Okay I’ll admit it… I love vampire films and TV shows. There I said it.
Why you ask? They’re romantic and fun (a bit bloody too, I know) but the mythology behind vampires is all about love and yearning and passion.
Unfortunately, in the shows and films I watch, the people are so damn perfect! I mean they dress well, are well-spoken, rich, and seem to have no cares in the world except for blood and love.
Vampires have become an obsession in our culture. We all think we want those looks and passion displayed. But we must remember that THIS IS A FANTASY. This is NOT how love looks or works most of the time; it is not how Eros relationships really are. We get sick, get old, we don’t wake up beautiful. We have bad breath and a limited clothing wardrobe, to boot.
I know you know this but you’d be surprised how many people take the vampire fantasy and expect their relationships to work out that way. The love you see on TV is almost always based on the first six-months to a year of a relationship when hormones and emotions are at high levels. The body, when we fall in love, has this thing it does to help us find a mate and procreate, and it can make us crazy and obsessive with our lover. This intoxication does not last—thank God–and it isn’t meant to. Over time the relationship matures, becomes routine, and we forget the romantic stuff—especially after we start a family.
In most relationships love matures over time into a mixture of Eros, Philia, Storge, and Agape. We don’t make love as much, we don’t hold hands has as much, we don’t do a lot of the things we did to get our mate. Our bodies mature, get chunky, and we are more content. Our metabolism slows and we aren’t in the mood as much. Then if our lover is not mature, he/she will turn on the TV and see the music videos, and TV dramas, and all the perfect people and wonder why their relationship is boring and mundane. The couple soon finds themselves not appreciating each other. They begin to grow a part; begin searching for love in all the wrong places and the rest is history.
Many relationships end after six-months to a year. Many start looking for that TV love-story again and again; and they end of repeating the relationship cycle over and over. They become the living embodiment of a vampire. Vampires suck blood to live…they take the vital energy from one person so they can have energy, leaving a lot of wreckage behind. You know any vampire people that go through people like a bowling ball hitting pens? I do. And because of their belief in fantasy and their unwillingness to go deep, they end up in a samsara cycle of abuse and wonder why they can’t find true love. If they don’t check themselves soon enough, they grow older and cynical, angry and dry out. Their thirst for new blood cannot be quenched so they stop searching. They never searched inside and find no lasting pleasure outside.
I know this story because like most young people, I went through my vampire stage. It was innocent and I didn’t know any better. And growing up as a very religious fundamentalist, I thought it was my duty to find a mate and get married at age 16. But the first two real relationships I had at 16 and 20 I was not mentally ready for love. I wanted to be in a committed relationship for the wrong reason— I wanted to have sex and not be too much of a sinner. I could justify having S.E.X. if I was going to marry my mate. “Well God, I’m going to marry this girl so it will be okay, you can make this exception, right?” It’s funny now. Back then I was a fundamentalist Christian and did things for all the wrong reasons. So I used my charisma and charm (amen) and I convinced my first girlfriend then my first wife and a few others that I was the one for them. I didn’t give them or myself the space to breathe and I did what I did best–I swooned them with songs of love, love letters, and all of my male-chauvinistic ways I’d learned from poor examples of manhood. It worked for me but I was a young hungry vampire who wanted blood not love. I didn’t know how to love, completely and attracted girls who didn’t know also. We did not understand the depth of love, the complicated nature of love, and the responsibilities of loving someone fully. When any of the relationships got really HARD, I/we quit.
My ex recently found a batch of love letters I’d sent her and asked me if I wanted them. I said “YES” — I wanted to see who John Crestwell was 26 years ago. I read them all. OMG! I read some of them out loud to my wife, Joni, and she said, “I don’t recognize that guy. I would not have liked him at all.” I was a jerk and very demanding! There you have it. I was once a jerk. Thank God that guy is gone. I burned those letters.
I have grown so much and thankful to the Universe and for my faith, Unitarian Universalism, that has challenged me in so many fantastic ways to go deeper and to keep asking questions. I know better now and I do better now. Amen.
We are in the holiday season, a time to show our love. Remember that real love is not on TV or in Hollywood. Real relationships are hard work. But they are more good than bad. In fact, authentic relationships are “easy and the burdens are light.” I know that now. The TV shows and radio love songs are not all bad if understood in context. They can remind us to appreciate our wife, husband, partner, spouse, but we cannot base our relationships on fantasy. Real relationships of any kind take real work. They are not one-sided or dictatorial or chauvinistic. They are partnerships where two people recognize a whole person across from them. Lasting relationships work best when we are able to combine our awesomeness with someone else’s awesomeness.
Now I must say that choosing the path to go deep is the harder path. It means integrity, honesty, patience, and authenticity. It’s much easier to walk away. And sometimes you must walk away, especially if you are abused in anyway, feel unheard, or you are more unhappy than happy—you may want to think about letting go and moving on—starting with yourself, first—asking why am I attracting and accepting this toxicity in my life? I’d be happy to talk with any of you about your relationship.
My journey in love has taught me a few things. One thing for sure is that life is about cycles. Relationships cycle and sometimes we are not in our “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH” cycle. It comes back around though, especially if we truly love our partner. When you are in a really deep and respectful relationship–that mushy love does come around from time to time. There will be some good episodes and some really difficult ones but again there will be many more good times than bad.
How’s your love life? Do you need to re-think a few things? Are you more happy than sad in your relationship? Are your expectations too little or too much? Are you looking for love in all the wrong places? Are you living in a fantasy or being real with yourself about your relationship? What can you do differently to revitalize or re-energize your relationship?